wat do i type here?

// fourth

had a feast at work. new team, new leaders for next month. am i excited? ofcos not.
i thot i decided that i wud wana stay on. cos i jus wana hv at least 1 yr of workin experience. u noe, so tt my resume will look nicer. but 1st call, tt customer, cheated my feelings. no mood for the rest of the evening. crap.. stupid guy..
n d only time i spew vulgarities endlessly is wen im at wrk. every sentenced is sprinkled with the word beginning with the letter F. argh. i need a change laaaa.

so dis was one of the phone conversations i had:
me: hi, gd evening. can i speak to mr mohd azlan pls?
girl: yeah ok. hang on.
girl (background): ayah!! phone!
mr m.a (background): siapa?
girl (background): tak tahu! ade budak kecik kat phone nak ckp ngan ayah!
me: ~wishing i cud go thru the phone n strangle that girl!~

// taking the wheel and losing control

its not nice to see familiar things on unfamiliar people.
its just not nice.
i think the world is too small. ok not.
probably singapore is just too small.
no thnx to friendster. i feel like christopher columbus all the time.
discoveries.
pictures. and words.
a picture doesnt necessarily say a thousand words. its jus time frozen at that second. wat happened before, or after.. we may forget(if ur in the pic) or not know (if ur not in the pic)....
aishah shasha.. always the optimist.
bluek. bluek.
sitting infront of the comp all the day is sucha hazardous thing to do.
no thnx wen u can b slightly paranoid, n hv a stupid sense of wild imagination.
anw.
someone write me my resume. il give you a treat aftr 7pm aftr 10th of Oct.
i want to work with kids. children i mean. not those baby goats.
bluek.

anw, i jus rmb dis conversation i had with lai yee at work. (oh. btw, dey call me 'brownie' at wrk.)
ly: eh brownie! is dis mouse a male or a female?
me: heh? wat kinda crappy qns is tt? ~scratches head~ a male?
ly: y u tink so?
me: cos it has a ball.
ly: i tink its a female leh.. cos it uses a pad. n wat kinda male has only one ball.
me: ~bangs head on desk~

// starving for truth

trng was tiring. but it was ok la. i didnt hate it.
coach has a new car. n i dun like d color laaaaa.....
its not him. i tink ah. haha.
orange-pink.. weird kan.

picked runn up ngan grace. freakin hungry sia. ate cup noodles.
sat talked cock. walked fast.
den sat, n talked cock. i lie down.
hungry. went macs. redeemed free burgers.
walked. n walked. 851-ed home.


i love dem.

// jaw like johnny depp

ape ckp............................ dah type den gone?
tak ke bingit?

jus now, lunn n glace came la. lepak kepe? fed dem. listened to a few tagalog words. hah.
glace watched nick. n glace ate my mashed potato.
den sent me to burlington. but, had soft squid b4 tt.
d body k, not d head. yummy.

n finally got to watch my chemical romance's the ghost of you vid. way cool la.
the setting was USA in d 40s era. budget for d vid was half a million Us buckaroos.
d guys looked normal la without their usual make up n dressing up as soldiers n all.
coolness.

ltr mayb sending Oj to kk. blood test? yeah. analysis den next few weeks den d check up.
nak send ah. cos i like seeing needles goin in ppl. hah. neh, nak send cos she need me.
yup.

k ah, nak slp. k ah, anytin msg. gd nite.
muahahaahah..
maid.

// dare you to move

rite now, im deleting all the freakin smilies tt gracie sent me. pls la. wat crap sia. (crap here doesnt refer to grace, but friendster for having those smilies!) dere isnt even a smiley in the smilies she sent. i tink friendster is jus getting to outta hand la. videos la.. songs la. change colour la. my sis fren's profile, got thing fly here, fly dere.
man.................. ape je.

anw, today, whole day sit.. sit in train, at wrk, at coffeshop, in bus, in toilet, at marry brown, at coffee shop again.. n now here, infront of d comp. sit til my butt cramp. ish. tink tues i go soccer ah. muz ah. cant sit only la. ltr my butt enlarge for no apparent reason.

so tired. of everything. of listening. of wondering. of feeling.
i want a hug laaaaaaaa. but. not from anyone ah.
ok k k k k?

// rockr

i
feel like
taking out
my heart.
give it a massage.
n den
put it back in.

tense.

anyway,
happy 14th to shidah. my sister. younger sister eh. hv a gd one. =)

// wat a feeling

sent oj downstairs! she insisted i did. she was happily jumping n singing ard. made me less sleepy. brought down a dollar coin wif me, wanted to buy the papers. but dere was none left. aftr sending her off, went up to tke d keys n i went cycling for awhile. went to tt new 7-11 outlet.
oh, before tt i slammed d bike into d staircase n almost fell. my hp dropped. haha! but its ok. n im ok. haha.
so d auntie at d 7-11 was nice. chatting me up n stuff. il definitely drop by next time to buy sumtin dere. so i cycled down to ntuc.... wanted to check if d pay's in. but dere were ppl meddling wif d atm. so i sat down wif d ah peks n nyonyas.. read d papers.. called up co. for interviews. my bro called me up, askin me where i was. he said he was bored at home. so home i headed den.
d music was blasted on so loudly. n he was outta sight. wth.
so his head emerged from his room wen i was screaming for him.
for fun.
hah.
n now i want to mandi la. ok?
b bye.

tt was my first part of the day. hope u find tt entertaining. hah.

// live each day as it comes (correct grace?)

sleep it off! go!
its works!
bLuek.

i miss u so much.

// monsoon season, it never stops raining.

i forced myself out of my prev hell hole. it was enriching in certain aspects. but i wanted out.
n im out.
i want to start anew. i want things i didnt hv. i want those values tt was lost. i want evrything i didnt have and i know i could have.
i want a piece of plain paper n write nice words, doodle on it, colour it, prob tear abit of the edge.
i want u to help me.
im not sure if im getting wat i want. im not sure if i came out the right way.
i hate it wen im not sure.
i dont like speculating. but sumtimes things jus drop down from the sky n land on my lap.
so, is seeing believing? not necessarily true?
wen can we ever be sure?
and im so afraid to know the truth. i dont ask. il jus wait here n wonder.
wait n wonder til i can hear my brain cells sizzling n den disintegrating.

// ------------------

misery-moffats

i cry myself to sleep again tonight
cos i cannot hold you tight
i wish i could see you again tomorrow
to take all this sorrow, sorrow.
hollow..
when i touch you, can you feel it?
when i need you, can you give it?
when i look in your eyes,
can you see me?
when i fall,
will you catch me?

caught desperate housewives just now. yess.. i cant miss any episodes now. its those episodes that i missed earlier. last chance now. mtv hits at the background while i flipped thru the papers. i spent at least an hour on both the straits times n newpaper. watched mtv's burned, axn's house.
gotta go get ready for wrk real soon. damn.
laziness is such a disease.

// you make me feel brand new

i woke up real late again. n im gettin worried. its sucha bad habit.
im not goin to wrk today. cos im lazy. n i wana play ball.
n den il hv to pick runn up. yeah.
im seriously considering goin to tt interview tmr. isk said dey'r hiring.
il buy d papers ltr to confirm.
bluek.

yestday i went to tampines. ate at CSQ. d whole place is like completely revamped. n it was jus months ago tt i last stepped into dere. the food court tt i went to was nicely decorated. green. very nice. n i ate fishball noodles. like wth. i cud actually eat tt somewhere else. aftr ordering, i realised i wanted to eat minced chicken noodles. so tt'l b next on my list.
so i was eating, n he was skimming thru d classified ads. n gues who i saw?!
my dear relatives frm d west side kepe! haha.
shell shocked. hah! chatted wif dem for awhile. den left.
hung out a lil wile more.
shit happened. hah. n we alighted at TP.
headed to mary brown! best seh. d seats r swings. SWINGS.
i had a banana split. he had a 2 piece.
swinging n swinging n swinging.
so d bro came. man.. he looked like a cross of him n somehow, k-rin.
yes my sec sch fren. prolly its d hair la. haha! titi came. hung out.
n off i went!

i tink its gona b a wet trng session today.
cant wait!

// the intrusion of my grey matter =)

hey gd mrng.. it rained for a few hours. cool and nice.
i didnt send oj down today.
cos sofi's at home. yeay. kissed her gdbye tho.
~muacckks..
therefore managed to sleep like 15mins longer than usual.
hah!

theres a lecture goin on outside. i gues.
mum n bro. bonding session.
i hope.

heading to east ltr. if everything's according to plan.
been awhile since i was dere.
cant wait to c him.

// we r, r we?

so aftr so long, i dun hv a match on a sunday. woke up at 1pm, wen i planned to cover my 3hours. hah. felt so tired. i wonder y.
hah.
so i had choc chip ice cream for breakfast n was online for a few hours.
cooked rice. ate wif oj. n i forgot wat else i did.
time was passing slowly... but. it was ok.

n den ayah came bck n said we were goin out. so got ready.
he went out wif oj first to pick ibu up.. me n shidah went out a lil ltr cos we hvnt finish gettin ready.. at khatib, waited n waited. he was gettin worried n restless.
n den his phone rang la! ibu was already at home.
wah kau..................................................
den he got angry, she got angry. oj was askin lotsa qns. i was agitated.
damn irritating.
but we stil went ahead anw. bought shidah's shoes.
fat feet. hah!
ate at sakuraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. like where else?
here i am!

he's out.. bluek. tke cre alrite.

// bang bang boom

hey. short one.
work was Boring. no more drive for sales.
i dun give a shit anymore.well, for now.
aftr wrk was nice.
if ur frm here, tt means, ur at tanjong rhu.
if ur frm dere, tt means, ur at kallang. hah.
=)




TM other job duties include (other den calling customers n making sales) : posing for ppl's camera phones. hah.

// wet wet wet

muahahhahaha!
im so tired.! today went to gracie's mum workplace.
SAEB? was it? duno la.. cant rmb. it was freakin tiring la.
muahahah. but it was fun. haha.
carried stacks n stacks of PSLE listening compre papers. checked, tallied.. watever watever.
met ppl. hah!
me gracie n him with d inclusion of loo even slacked for more den 45mins at d other block.
muahahaha.
so we went beach road. he lost his hp.
we ate. i bought stuff. was even offered a job. muhahahaha.
wat sia aishah. everyone also want to giv me stupid2 jobs like tt.
sat n sat. dey talked cock. i listened.
so den hp was found. someone got it. so he had to get it bck.
to eunos we went. walked, sat, ate n drank.
waited n waited. got it.
heard some stuff. damn. bus ride.
sit talk classified ads. bikes n jobs. argh!
late. almost missed d last bus. muahhahahahaahahahha.

id b lying if i say i didnt hv fun.

// ti-red

changed the blogskin again. the prev orange one was nice. fresh.
but it wasnt me.
this is me.

my inbox's jammed. chokeful of sms til its brim.

i woke up feeling so hungry.. felt my body was hollow.
like dere's nothing in d insides. jus air.
n now im not hungry. weird.

my bro. i tink he's a misuderstood lil person.
to clear d air, he is my younger bro. he's tall n all. but tts it.
inside he's a 17 yr old kid.
ppl mite tink im not doin a gd job on handlin his situation.
n i dun care wat they tink.

i m in another situation where i m happy. seriously.
=)
but dere's always sumtin else tts makin me feel otherwise.
wats wrong? how come im never contented?

// how now brown cow?

jus got bck frm wrk. im not tired. altho i was so sleeepy at wrk jus now.
its getting really mundane. with leads as crappy as such, damn... i feel so dead at wrk.
stuck wif jus 2 sales. i dun c the light ahead..
help.
the incentives dey implemented dun help at all la. hah. wat seh they all...

well.. went to bedok for awile. for lunch. didnt expect it la. thot i was jus gona stay at home.
but yeah..
remind me not to eat carrot cake if its frm a malay stall k.
its not d same la.
n finally i got to take a look at that cold storage in the community centre at tampines.
last time wen me n hira took d feeder bus frm sch, we went past tt place n ive always wondered how it looked like.quite small la the inside. still cool tho.

im absorbing all of it. im taking it.

// deadline

ish.
best nye.
oren.

// if it makes you happy, it cant be that bad.

breakfast: craziness.

lunch: sweetness.

dinner: warmth, despite harsh weather conditions.

today's complete meal. =)

// jahat

hey! gd sunday noon.
today is our last league match. against ite.
lets just hope for the best.

last nite, aftr wrk, met him.
n den we zoomed off to east coast to eat.
nice place.. but d food was spoiler ah.
but d company was great... so watever.
aftr eating, we went to d other side.
introduction to slacking.
=)
went bck. bought stuff.
off he went.
=) =) =)

its sucha lazy aftrnooon. if jus laze at home, nice kan..
bluek.

// you wont let me fall

so d parents n sissies were at compass point la.
shopping.
heh.

i was so tired during trng. probably cos of d lack of slp.
duh.

n i still want to change my blogskin la.

can i wake up tmr n den its 7pm saturday, please?
can la.. i said please........

// cocoa cant wait!

hey. gd late mrng. i jus came bck frm wak mah's.
spent d nite dere cos i didnt bring the keys last nite. everyone was alrdi aslp n d home phone was engaged. no way i cud wake someone up.
luckily kak yam was still up. called her said i was on d way dere.

aftr wrk, dhan picked me up. he jus finis his bmt n was rili bored. so we wanted to go al-majlis. we had duno how to drive dere.. so he suggested me to b d navigator.
n i had no idea how to read the freakin map la. so aftr alot of aimless turns.. we jus decided to head back up to yishun. n dere was a jam la on d cte at 10+ pm. madness.
d way he drives kinda scares me.. dier punye brake eh.. aduhaiii...
he looks so much like a kid still...
anw
i ate kacang pool and he had a milo godzilla. hah!
listened to his stories. didnt know he cud b such a sappy guy to d gf sia.
haha! coolness.
den we headed to seletar reservoir where he taught me how to read d map.
d trick was to actually turn d map in d direction of where d car was going. n i found out he actually is scared of creepy crawlies.. hah!

so im sleepy la. didnt slp well dere. cos its jus unfamiliar.
hah.
hah.
hah.
im sooooo
restless.
argh.
argh.
i need to let it go positively.
a positive outlet.
bluek. watever la aishah.

// sunset

hey. gd noon.
i slept real late last nite. n i was smiling alot.
i must hv looked stupid smiling too myself.
im jus glad i stil cud smile.
=)

i thot i played well. mayb for awhile. but den again, apparently i didnt.
so hard to please everyone.

im having mixed feelings.
im getting mixed signals.
n i shall give mixed signals in return.

anw...........
im excited. i wana slp den wake up its sunday's game.
den slp den wake up den its monday.
hah!

// friends of the enemy

i heard dis at TVRI jus now as i was having my supper.

guy1: kita misti kerja keras!
guy2: tidak! itu salah!
guy1: mengapa?
guy2:kerja keras itu salah.. kita misti keras kerja! keras dahulu, baru boleh kerja!

// -_-

i went to wrk in a maxi cab! how cool is tt?!

baba came over to pass mags n food. hung out at home. chilled ah.
den baba wanted to bring bck d old comp. so we went dwn n hailed a cab.
i didnt even look n jus raised my arm n den it jus went to a stop infront of us.
a maxi cab! seating capacity is 6 passengers n a driver!
muahahha. i was just so excited. aftr baba left i was alone wif d driver.
it was kinda weird la. but fun anw.
d driver was a nice guy too.. he didnt talk much. n tts rare. hah!

so anw, wrk started stale. felt so restless, yet sleeepy. 1st hour was plain torture. no one picked up my calls. n den we had a briefing. abt latest promos. got bck to wrk.
n i got 2 sales.
muahahah. but den, d 2nd one, installation on october. man..
~bangs head on the wall.
sat beside rodney. like finally we talked. heh. nice guy.

// tomorrow is another day.

i had to go for tt interview at takahimaya on monday. but i didnt cos i heard tt i had to pay rite?
so i thot tt was it.
den another girl called me up again. saying tt im bubbly n 'not shy.'
n dey want me to wrk part time dere.
now I hv to go find girls.
like wth.

someone said, expect the unexpected.
hah!
so many winding turns huh..

anw, im goin. cos its only 3 hrs. easy money. n il earn like 80 tmr. so y not.

funny funny funny. so many interviews. all small small.
but still i lazy. haiyoh.
i feeeeeeeeeeeeel so restless.
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
coffee wun wrk on me.
u watched desperate housewives. n where tt mum wif d kids actually took her kids' medicine to calm her down.
i tink i need tt. yeah.

// i think im just scared tt i know too much

its just so scary to be loved so deeply.
dammit.

// what's the number to 9-1-1?

last nite. we lost. bad. 11.
one for each of us. how cool is tt? hah.
anw, i started out sooooooooooo slow. 1st half, i was left wing. i didnt noe wat to do.
wen was d last time i played dere?
so afr 15 mins i gues, we played our norm.
double stopper wif gracie the best.
i stil suck la. 2nd half, mad alrdi. i played better. i felt tt i did.
dere was so many shit goin in d field. i jus absorbed it like a freakin sponge.
im jus glad i cud.
forgot abt shit n tried to calm things down.
it was kinda fun la sliding.

im in pain. shoulders r aching, knees n elbows scrapped. my shin stil hurt.
luckily no trng tmr.
jus gona finis my 3 wkdays.
survive thru the week. end it on sunday.
n its another week. living is such chore.
bluek.

// sugar ray

i keep getting myself into these stupid situations.
seriously i duno how.
i m jus being myself.
i dun throw myself at ppl.
i dun tink im a flirt.
im jus sick of all this.
im so tired.
i thank aqilah for making me happy at home.
i dun want to ruin friendships.

// wat would you do?

wrk was so draggy. i was so sleepy. n my body was aching. i was restless n i was adjusting the height of the chair every few minutes. dere was no one sitting beside me so i was freakin bored can. every call was like, "troot troot troot troot." or, "this is a singtel announcement service, the number u just called is not in used." sian like mad.
almost got a sale. bloody guy. cheat my feelings. he sounded so real wen he said he wana sign up.

i like wana slp seh aftr dis. but yeah rite, im so scared il wake up in d middle of the night. n cudnt fall aslp again. n den i wana watch soccer.ltr at 9 plus.

went centrepoint courts. walking down the underpass was so eerie. i sincerely thought i heard sounds. but yeah.

// how far is heaven?

i actually dont want to blog. but grace request that i do.

so anw, i had a nice time wif dem jus now. grace runni n den is n sharain for awhile.
i missed runni.
ate, talked cock. runn was making me laugh so hard at trng i was so so so very tired.
during trng we did long long passes somemore. used so much energy.
den during 2 side den not happy for awhile. haiyoh. stupik aishah.
aftr trng i was like a walkin zombie. hah.

den now chatting wif grace n eating cup noodles.
so hungry. n chatting wif grace is always energy consuming.
sometimes i need to think so hard to ans her always irrelevant qns.
but i always ans her anw.

its alrdi saturday. 7 hours of calling ltr. madness.
help me.

oh. runni is full of air n hair.
k bye!

// six feet from the edge

its been years since im feeling this way

crushed.




// i wana break free

i woke up early, cos i wanted to go out for the.. yeah.
but i decide to postpone it cos of wat they.. yeah.
so, im at home now.

aqilah's playin with her barbies. i nvr undestood d fun.
shidah went to get a haircut, cant wait for her to come bck.
the mum n d gramps r in d kitchen..
the dad's looking thru the job ads.
the bro's flyin free for now.

physically n mentally unwell.
crimson tide.
rushing abt dwn under i can feel it.
i wana rest but nothing rests even as i lie stil,
trying hard not to breathe.
waking up is such a chore,
n trying to sleep is another stressing to do.

// u think im weak, i think you're wrong.