The Pacifier

So last Saturday, 22nd of September, my hubsan decided that it was time Shakirin finally sleeps without his pacifier. I purposely put down the date there because I feel it is quite momentous.

We have been talking about him not needing it months before he turned two. He sleeps fine without it at Ibu's, in his childcare and also whenever we are out. We know he can do it but deep inside our (maybe more mine than my hubsan's) hearts, he is always our little baby and it's still alright for him to have it every night.

I was more convinced that it's alright for him to have his soother because he has been sleeping on his own bed in his own room. That is such a big achievement! I have heard of so many stories from my friends that their toddlers will not leave their parents' bed. I have a colleague who had to resort to upgrading his queen sized bed to a king sized one.

So on that fateful evening, I asked my hubsan if he really threw it away or merely hid it somewhere. He said, "I'm not even going to tell you." I laughed. And then I left it as that. He knows and I know that I might cave in to our son if he starts pleading for it later that night.

That night, like most nights, my hubsan tucked Shakirin to sleep. Of course, the little boy started searching for the pacifier all over his bed. My hubsan reiterated that he has thrown the pacifier away. He reassured our son that it's because he is now a big boy and he doesn't need it. He cried, "No! I want pacifier!". Those cried continued but alas, all was silent and I guessed he cried himself to sleep.

The next morning, we asked him how was his sleep. He spoke in a low tone and said, "Daddy throw away pacifier. Daddy alway scold." Then he buried his face in his hands. I really could not tell that it was mock-sadness or for real. I glared at my hubsan and tears start welling up in my eyes. I could not believe that I was feeling extremely devastated for him.

Now that I am typing this, I can recall the first few times we "forced" it on him when he was 2 months old because he kept crying and we didn't know what else to do. I held the pacifier in his mouth to prevent it from dropping off. Eventually he got the motion of sucking it. It was especially cute as he got a little bigger, his pacifier would slip out of his mouth and he would search his cot looking for it, with his eyes closed. I remembered feeling proud that he could actually find it and put it back into his mouth and went back to sleep.

So my hubsan asked him again, "why did daddy throw your pacifier away? Do you remember what I said?". "Yes daddy. I'm a good boy", Shakirin replied. "No. It's because you're a big boy."

My 25 month old baby is now a big boy. It breaks my heart.